dear, dina age 40-something,
read this when you're a mother of 3 or 5, but definitely not 4 because you hate the number 4. but, if god offers you 4, of course be grateful. ahhh what if god offers me zero? i'll have to accept that. but, what a horribly frightening thought that is. thinking this must be bad luck! oh gosh, stop! quick! do something that superstitious people do to avoid bad karma..knock on wood, throw the salt over your left shoulder? actually, it's probably more productive to just take this opportunity to make fun of superstitious people for the pathetic rituals they do to seek refuge from all things beyond their control. right. so, where was i at? oh, yes. when you're a mother of 3 or 5, make sure that your chef feeds your family 3 square meals a day, and dessert daily. dessert every day? isn't that a bit much? humans shouldn't consume sugar until they're at least 10 years old. oh please, 10? isn't that pushing it a little, dina age 22? no way! why do you think so many people have diabetes? what kind of kid needs coca cola and chocolate to generate energy? that's what naps are for. duh! sorry, 20 years ago you interrupted a lot. now that you're a mother of 3 or 5, successful, and still stunningly beautiful, you've learned to wait your turn to speak. sweet! i'll have a chef when i'm a mother? well, yes, dina age 22, you can't cook worth ****. your guests prepare meals for you in YOUR kitchen and the last time you attempted to make rice, you had to throw out the pot because the rice melted into it. surely, 20 something years from now i will have taken the time to learn to make something, anything. of course not! in the next 20 something years you will be far too busy being fabulous, getting married, having children, traveling, enjoying life, etc. why would you waste your time standing in front of a stove when you could be standing in front of the mirror, spending time with your 3 or 5 beautiful children, or in the line up for flight 264 to the south of france for spring break? oh, that's a good point...i like the sounds of that. dina age 40-something, i'm very sorry. bear with me while i attempt to administer some very valuable advice to you. when you are a mother of 3 or 5, treat your kids like equals. don't yell at them or patronize them. remember when you were their age? you didn't respond well to being told what to do. you always obeyed authority (however reluctantly) because you were a bit of a suck up, but only 1 or 2 of your 3 or 5 kids will be like you. so, learn how to convince them that your ideas and orders are really their own. oooh, that's smart. i wonder what the others will be like..hmm. will they look like me? you're so shallow, dina age 22. who cares what they will look like. dina age 40-something, speak arabic to your 3 or 5 kids. never allow english to be spoken inside the home. you know, they'll be so good at arabic that they'll make fun of your accent and call you a fob, just like you used to do to your parents when they spoke english. well, i only make fun of my parents because it's endearing. and, are you saying that i'll still have an accent when i speak arabic? whatever..my grandma says it's cute. and, if my kids speak arabic better than i do, does that mean i'll be raising them in EGYPT?? stop interrupting, dina age 22! i can't tell you where you'll be raising them, but i sure hope - for your sake- that you don't stay in canada until you're 40-something. (sorry in advance if you read this from your home on 4365 stratson way, vancouver b.c. 20 something years from now.) dina age 40-something, when you're a mother of 3 or 5, nag your kids about the everyday habits your mother taught you: stand up straight, suck in your stomach, wear matching socks, tie your laces, trim your hair (it grows faster that way), chew with your mouth closed, clean your room, listen to/respect/love your siblings/elders/parents, never let your cutlery touch your teeth, study!, enjoy your youth, don't write post-dated letters to yourself, stop using your cellphone so much- you'll get brain cancer(ba3d el shar), eat meat, the list goes on...sleep before 1am, you'll be older and wiser when you read this and realize that writing post-dated letters to yourself at 3:30 am is sooo not worth it because you could be sound asleep. well, this letter is totally disjointed, and the advice in it isn't really that valuable. i'm pretty sure that dina age 40-something will have stopped reading this after my first interruption. well, dina age 22, my original intention was to provide some youthful advice for her because she'll be old when she reads this, but you hijacked my project! ---"hey, 40-something is the new 20-something. you're so 2009." -dina age 40-something. june 23, 2020-something.
